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He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
Note to self: When sending Valentines messages don`t use group text next year.
If people don`t occasionally walk away from you shaking their heads, you`re doing something wrong.
I hate Russian nesting dolls. They`re so full of themselves
If the TV show "Cops" has taught me anything, it`s to stay away from people with blurry faces....... they always seem to attract trouble.......
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
The worst time to need sneeze is when you’re driving. The worst time to need to pee is when you’re driving and need to sneeze.
If kidnapping is a federal offense, then why is marriage legal?
Just once would I like to see the "Phone a Friend" lifeline on Millionaire go straight to voicemail.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
is cleverly disguised as a responsible adult.
Note to Self: In future interviews, don`t say "Safe in your strong arms" when the employer asks where I see myself in 5 years.
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
I`m a compulsive liar. Every thing I say is a lie. And that`s the truth.
I love watching The Simpsons. They never get old.