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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Money may not buy you happiness, but it does buy you all the sh1t you want!
When you have a lot, you have hair. When you only have a few, you have hairs.
there are so many scams on the internet now...... Send me $19.95 an I`ll tell you how you can avoid them
The easiest way to keep a secret is without help
Nothing says "high-functioning alcoholic" like being really good at darts.
If you think your having a bad day ... You could be digging your own grave at gun point and find buried treasure.
Why does everybody call it a "hot water heater?" It`s really a cold water heater.
Whenever I`m out somewhere there is a 99% chance I am thinking about going home and sleeping.
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
I`d like to thanks all the girls for wearing yoga pants. It is the only reason why we`re not complaining about how cold this winter it
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