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According to a recent survey, 98% of people responded with `Go away.`
when life gives you lemons; ask for tequila and salt
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
Fitbits are just like Tamagotchis, except the stupid little creature you have to keep alive is yourself.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won`t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift "from all of us" anymore.
Hey chicks that only post inspirational shit: we know you`re nuts.
Apparently, walking up behind a hot guy in the produce aisle with celery in my hand and whispering "I`m stalking you" was much funnier in my head.
Just think how cold and snowy it would be WITHOUT global warming!
Here, take my hand. Now slap yourself with it.
A hypnotist is just someone that tries to roofie you with jazz hands.
Coffee? I`ll have a cream soda ... One cup of coffee and I`m up all afternoon.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
Weekends r like d salary.. It takes a lot to get thr, & whn it finally does, it`s over in no time ;) - aa
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?