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The only time that my wife screams my name in bed is when I break wind in my sleep.
I sometimes goto Starbucks for coffee and tell them my name is Bueller ... Then leave before my coffe is ready
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Parts of a worm: 1) Worm
I like to smile at people who don`t like me because I`m an asshole
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I don`t know who you are, but if you don`t stop sending me phone books, I will find you.....and I will smack you with it
I quit my job and handed in my badge and gun to my boss, he said, why do you have a gun? You work at McDonald’s.
I love when bill collectors ask if you can borrow the money...uh I did that before and I think we both know how that turned out.
Don`t bother trying to figure me out...not even the little voices in my head understand me...it`s pointless.
I don`t care what the expiration date says, I have to smell it
I just found out that his full name is actually, Vehicle Identification Number Diesel.
I don’t care if it’s 1 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
If you`re crazy and you know it shake your meds...