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I am creating the first ever "flavored windows". They should make some of you very happy.
Checked myself for ticks ... but I didn`t hear anything.
People who think Iām not a religious person should see me when the airplane starts to shake.
Offering a homeless dude $5 from across the street is my version of Frogger.
I watched the deleted scenes from a porno last night. Turns out he ended up fixing the washing machine after all.
"Dora" only rhymes with "Explorer" if you`re from Long Island, New York
I`m beginning to think they invented the wireless mouse just so there was one less thing to use to hang yourself with at work.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
A wasp just landed on my balls. Hardest decision of my life.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
The best way to get over someone is probably with your car
They`ve been farting with my facebook again. It`s like the old days when the the girl you woke up with wasn`t the one you went to bed with.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
When I say I can cook, I mean I can melt cheese on stuff.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective