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Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
I dont think McDonald`s french fries are real food. Just found one under my car seat from two months ago and it looked perfect ... Tasted fine, too.
if your happy and you know it ---thank your ex
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
I guess “Trying to be” isn’t really the answer the doctor was looking for when he asked if I was sexually active.
Junk- something you keep for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
i just peed so hard that I laughed a little bit
The best nicknames are the ones people don’t know they have
Relationship status: sleeping in my bed diagonally.
That first kiss in the morning is so special, and the dog enjoys it too.
Why get married when you can just drive into oncoming traffic?
I was born to be happy… not normal.
Me and my cat have been staring at each other for so long I forgot which one of us is stoned.