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Roses are red, Violets are blue, I wish my ex wife would die ... That`s as far as I got.
Sometimes I`m completely inconsiderate to other peoples feelings. And other times I`m asleep.
How come when a girl has sex with everyone she`s a slut but when a guy has sex with everyone he`s my boyfriend
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don`t want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse."
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
My pants are 75% off.
I liked you better before we met.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
Why do people ask "what the hell were you thinking"? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it.
OK look, if I meet you for a date and you don`t look anything like your pic, then you`re buying drinks for me until you do.
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
My doctor said I should eat better. I told him, with what he charges, I’m lucky I eat at all.
Why isn`t cat food made from birds, mice and squirrels??
Why do people walk by and say "Hi, how are you?" but they don`t stop long enough for you to reply!