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Nothing in the world is more expensive than a women who’s free for the weekend.
Step 1: Remove food from packaging. Step 2: Throw out packaging Step. 3: Dig packaging out of trash to locate cook time, Repeat steps 2 & 3 as necessary
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
I will die on a white floor just to mess with the chalk outline guy.
I always give waiters a tip, but they never seem to appreciate my advice.
Rescue helicopters should have white lights at the end of their blade so when they spin it looks a halo.
When will math grow up and start solving its own problems
I just bought a medical alert bracelet that says ... "Probably just sh!tfaced."
What I lack in sex appeal I make up in staying home and drinking.
Do you think we like to sing in the shower because we all love a good soap opera?
Relationships are mostly you apologizing for saying something hilarious
When I was little I didn`t care about things like what to wear, my parents dressed me. Looking back at some of my old pictures, it`s obvious that my parents didn`t care either.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`
You know you’re getting old when you have to have a drink to motivate you to go out & have a drink.
I force my dog to watch animal abuse commercials just to show him how good he has it.