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Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Whenever I see someone in a Smart Car, I expect to see a kid with a remote control nearby.
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you.
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
When my dog sniffs another dog`s poop I can only assume that it`s their equivalent to checking a friend`s facebook page.
I wish the guy who made the vacuum cord would chat with the guys that make phone chargers.
I like that CNN is tweeting a picture of ebola bacteria. It will be handy in case I encounter it in the wild. With my microscope vision.
It isn`t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door. I`m fine by the way.
Happy National hear fireworks all day and night set off by Drunk People you wouldn`t trust with a Glo-Stick Day.
Unless otherwise stated, I have no idea what I’m talking about.
Today I am thankful for my family....and this 5th of vodka that helps me deal with them.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says "Text Me"
"You blew a tranny" means something completely different to an auto mechanic.
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
All women have an hour glass figure – it’s just that they all tote around different amounts of sand.