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If the interviewer asks where you see yourself in 5 years. Standing naked on top of a fire truck does not appear to be the correct answer
The best moments in life are simple… you know like when you sit down and get comfy and the remote is magically next to you.
I decided to tell the kids that Santa is made up but nighttime home invasions are very real.
Marriage is just a 50 year long negotiation over thermostat settings.
You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent ? That’s why I never take baths...
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
My predictive text dictionary doesn’t have “tsunami”, so if you ever get a text from me that says “trumang” start running.
I may be delusional but at least I`m going to Mars in November.
If I have nosy neighbors, I always like to dig five 7 ft. x 3 ft. x 6 ft. holes in the back yard and every couple of days, Fill one in.
I wouldn`t want to fly Virgin. Who`d want to fly an airline that doesn`t go all the way?
I’ve yet to be intimidated by a fancy wine list thanks to my vast knowledge of fine wines and my eeny, meeny, miny, moe system.
Want your favorite song to become your least favorite song? Just make it your alarm tune.
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.