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Some of my ideas are about as profitable as selling YOLO T-Shirts at a Reincarnation seminar
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
Why can’t they make the whole week out of Saturdays?
I took my family to Sea World this weekend, but i wasnt allowed in. Apparently you cant take your fishing rod.
I hate it when people like their own statuses * At this point you like your status for dramatic effect*
I`m not leaving here without some kind of balloon
Sad life : After watching 2 seconds of Spongebob I already know what episode it is ... I`m 41
I miss my ex a lot... but my aim is getting better.
The fact that I start clapping every time someone says "Please give me a hand" is only like the number 6 reason I dont have friends.
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce? Well, I`m guessing it`s because the other fifty percent can`t afford lawyers.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
I know what I`m getting for Christmas ... Fat. I`m getting fat.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
I quit beer every time I wake up hung over