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I wish I could afford to be as weird as I wanna be.
the jeremy kyle show, the only place you`ll see a six month old baby with more teeth than thier parents
Leaving the house would be so much cooler if someone would yell “Aaaaand Action!” as I walk out the door.
Got kicked out of the local casino again. Apparently, gold chocolate coins mess up their slot machines or something.
Sometimes I wish I wasn`t rich and handsome and delusional.
My face is a 4, my personality is a 6, so basically, I`m a 10.
If I drunk text you and you`re sleeping, don`t text me in the morning. That ship has sailed.
I broke my finger today. But on the other hand I`m fine.
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
Smiling gives you wrinkles. Resting bitch face keeps you pretty.
My head hurts, I think my horns are coming in...
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
Excellent Group Ice Breaker: Do you think sailors feel pressured to swear?
I`m Outdoorsy, as in I like to get drunk and pass out in the yard....
Girls here`s an idea, instead of spending all that money on makeup. Just buy your guy a bottle of Jack Daniels.