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If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it`s working.
They say that being successful and living well is the best revenge. That may be so, but rubbing your naked ass all over someone`s cell phone when they aren`t looking is pretty good too ?
I take a large amount of pride in always being prepared for a nap.
Sure, I can speak Spanish... "Margarita!"
My friends are the kind that would flirt with the fireman while my house was burning down.
I would eat a lot more healthy food if it required no preparation or stayed fresh as long as junk food.
this guy with binoculars has been watching me watch him with binoculars and i don`t know who`s winning
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
Some people want to get in shape before they go to a gym. Which is the equivalent of losing weight so you can go on a diet
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
Why is it that everyone hears the car alarm for a good 5 minutes before the owner does?
Iām not high maintenance, but rather precious cargo with lavish instruction for upkeep.
Some people are like eye-candy... I`m more like eye-meatloaf.
When I die, I am going to haunt the f*ck out of you people.