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It`s nice to know I`m wanted....even if it`s only by the Police!
Have we even tried giving Mother Nature a Snickers?
If I rapped I would have to start doing way more stuff because only so many things rhyme with couch.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is to serve as a warning to others
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
Dear Fruity Pebbles: Calorie content w/out milk is unnecessary. Anyone shoving dry Fruity Pebbles down their throat isn’t counting calories.
Sometimes after many years of marriage, you just look at your wife and wonder how she stayed with you this long without you killing her.
Side effects of telling your wife to get a grip may include throat bruising or testicular swelling.
The phrase "use of the jerk-off motion is prohibited" has been added to our HR manual because of me. It`s like winning an award.
I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.
If you are offended by the words "In God We Trust" on your money, then send it to me. I don`t mind it at all.
Today I have been sober for 100 days. Not, like, in a row or anything. Just in total.
Adam didn`t take any crap from Eve. He wore the plants in that relationship
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.