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Always look for the girl with the ponytail holder on her wrist.
A synonym is a word you use when you can`t remember how to spell the other word.
I`m now fit to make my regular annual resolution. The accomplishment is the problem
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
Watching a movie with the girlfriend tonight. Can anyone recommend a good girlfriend?
I found out why I`m still single. Apparently, you have to go outside and let people see you.
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
My fridge is so full of beer ... I`m going to have to drink my way back to the food or starve.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
I hate it when auto-correct changes my "omg" to "OMG" like, chill out, I`m not that surprised.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces. For example: I am going to the liquor store and I`m scared that it`s closed.
I dream of a day when a mysterious hand will pop out of the screen and b!tch-slap you silly each time you post a boring or stupid status.
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
You say hangover. I say out of booze.
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.