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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
So, I guess we’re just supposed to assume the number is 1-800-Ghostbusters?
I keep forgetting how bad my memory has become
People like you remind me how lucky I am that my cell phone provider has a block option! Just sayin.
...you ever ponder why that page was intentionally left blank?
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
Halfway through singing a romantic ballad to my cat, it occurred to me that I`m going to die alone.
I mean really though...Why wash cups when you can just drink out of the jug?
Well ... here I am ... cleverly disguised as a responsible adult!
I just changed my WiFi password to "blowmefirst." I can`t wait for someone to ask me for it!
Couldn`t stay awake sitting on the couch, so I laid down in bed to make sure I wouldn`t fall asleep
It’s called a “remote” because those are your odds of finding it when you want to change the channel.
"you failed just as much as your dads condom."
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
It’s not my fault God gave you boobs to stare at.