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I did responsible things all day so tonight will consist of nothing that even resembles responsibility.
Dogs lick each other`s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
Some people say having a child is the best experience in the world. These people obviously never had 2 thing fall from a vending machine at once.
I have no problem texting while driving, but I won’t text while going down stairs. That sh!t’s dangerous.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Why is there a Stairway to heaven and a highway to hell? There is a lot more traffic going to hell
So I met an Egyptian, they walk just like us.
Taking your pants off is a good way to let someone know you feel comfortable in their home.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
It`s impossible to get a parking ticket if you don`t have windshield wipers.
Picture a scavenger hunt where the only items on the list are "your house keys" and "your house." Well, son, that`s what drinking is like.
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
They say you are what you eat. I don`t remember eating a sexy beast this morning...
Having plans sounds great until you realize you have to put on clothes and actually leave the house.
The only thing I can fix in this world tonight is another drink.