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At my age I can no longer function without my glasses. Especially when they`re empty.
Why is that in girls tampon commercials they dance and laugh? Shouldn`t they be revving chainsaws and burning sh!t down?
It`s not real love unless you leave your phone in plain sight overnight.
Do you guys know there are "actual" people out there that don`t have a Facebook account? What the hell do they do all day?
I recently jumped on the back of my psychologist and started counting...1...2...3 and he was so suprised asking me what I was doing and I answered offendedly: "Well you`re the one who said I could always count on you !"
Whenever you hear the phrase "Oh no he didn`t" you can rest assured that he did.
Most difficult job ever.......Working in a bubble wrap factory......Imagine the self control needed.
If I could turn snarky sarcasm into a paying job, I could be employed for infinity.
Sorry, I can`t delete any of my voicemails cause then people would be able to leave me a new one
Here`s to all the kids who have never found their name on anything in a souvenir store
Hey ladies, tired of your man complaining about how long it takes you to get ready? Start blow drying your hair in the nude. I promise no more complaints.
Wait, whaddya mean... cookie dough can be baked? Seriously?
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. "Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs"
Wonder what my couch is doing right now.
Just because she weighed as much as two women doesn`t mean you had a threesome