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I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
I drink to make other people interesting
Children fill a void in your life that you never knew existed. And promptly destroy everything else.
Every time a clerk asks "Did you find everything you need?" I always answer "No, I couldn`t find a hug"
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
It`s not that I`m judging you, but you hung your toilet roll the wrong way and I just think it best if we never spoke again.
Pregreening - creeping forward while waiting for a red light to change.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
I have a lot on my plate right now. Not busy, just hungry.
Even if you don`t pay, they`ll usually let you go through a car wash at least once a day without a car.
Don`t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
I just spent ten minutes waving back to a guy in a storefront window before I realized he was just cleaning the glass.
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
Technically, every picture is a before picture.