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My doctor said if I wanna drop a few pounds I`d have to stay away from carbs. So I`ve been using this insanely long straw to drink beer
Bad Morning: As I sit on the throne remembering I used all the toilet paper last night for Halloween pranks.
I`m not judging you, I`m just trying to guess what medications you`re on.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I am now convinced that the homeless people have all of the shopping carts that do not have the wobbly wheels.
Why do I get the feeling that a lot of adults nowadays who ask kids "What do you want to be when you grow up?" are just trying to come up with some ideas?
You know when you’re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That’s happening to me, only with beer.
I hate mosquitoes, I mean I know I’m delicious but damn.
Easy come, easy go describes my last 12 cases of beer and 17 relationships.
90% of being a dad is yelling about doors being left open while the air conditioning is running.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
This may be the wine talking but help he’s drinking me, he’s drinking me.
Optimistic people want to hear the bad news first, while pessimists ask for the good. Realists just start drinking.
I’m dedicating this status update to all the status-less people out there. Stay strong.