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Mom: "Why is everything on the floor?" Me: "Gravity, Mom."
These ramen noodles taste like payday is next Friday.
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
I´m (insert your name) BITCHES!!!! Deal with that.
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
I tried being awesome today, but I was just so tired from being awesome yesterday.
So the other day a girl asked me to Facebook her, needless to say she wasn`t to happy after I hit her in the face with a book
I`m pretty sure if someone broke into my house, my dog would just show them how much he likes to lick his balls
Guys if a woman shaves hers legs she wants you to touch them..... You just have to make sure she knows You.
The monent of triumph when your bag is the first off the plane.
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night.. Next question
It`s so awkward when you get texted to come over and you have to pretend like you weren`t already inside their house.
You can`t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me.
I painted a banner for our annual family picnic, but my Mom thought "Celebrating 100 Years of Undiagnosed Mental Illness" was inappropriate.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM