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Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
I`m as nutty as a squirell fart
It`s cute how my wife thinks I can read her mind when I can`t even dress the kids properly.
Good thing all the `Five and Ten` stores closed... They were nickle and diming us to death.
The only thing worse than having a song stuck in your head for an entire day is not knowing the name of the song.
Do not drink and drive.. because there are people out there who text and drive... and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
I walked briskly with scissors today. I’m pretty wild.
OMG, what a day I had. If Monday was a guy, I`d punch him in the throat!
Coffee eyedrops! Another million dollar idea.
I hate brushing my teeth at night because that signifies that you cant have anymore food and im just never ready for that kind of commitment
At night I dump massive amounts of Legos on the floor in case anyone tries to rob my house bare footed.
It`s like my pastor always says, "Who are you and why are you stealing wine?"