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If you could have all of Bill Gates` money or world peace, what colour would your Lamborghini be?
Has anyone EVER checked to see how the room or wall behind them looks before taking and posting 50 selfies?!
Hello is this HP? I’d like to make a return. I ordered a Laser Jet and you sent me a printer.
I only drink on two occasions; when its my birthday and when its not.
How funny is it when you’re telling somebody a made-up story and someone says “Oh yeah I heard about that”?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
Calling all men...Eboli can live up to two months in semen..YES! You better wash your socks.
I was admiring my six pack in the mirror for two hours,then it got cold and I put it in the fridge
Why do people say "Tuna Fish sandwich?" That`s like saying "Chicken Bird sandwich."
My New Years Resolution for 2015 is to stop being so impatient.
Hey mother in law.... Don`t tell me how to raise my kids. Im still trying to raise yours.
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
10 times out of 9, you’ll find me exaggerating about something
Procrastination............I`ll make a joke about it later.