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I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I`m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Just did 100 crunches. Crumbs everywhere.
Fact: 96% of all arguments end with somebody saying “Google that shit!”
I use profanity, the way Picasso used a paint brush
Unwritten Rule of the Day: Don´t make eye contact while eating a banana.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb.
New research reported that men enjoy snuggling. A second study showed that men will say anything to get a researcher into bed.
I’ve never pretended to be anything I’m not…except for sober. I’ve pretended to be sober a few times.
These people keep looking at me like I`m the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Whenever being single gets me down, I like to close my eyes, take a deep breath and then go do whatever I want pretty much nonstop.
After the doctor left the exam room from my prostate exam. The nurse came in with three words I didn`t want to hear. "Who was that?"
Paintball is much more fun when the other people at Walmart don’t know we are playing.
Sometimes, the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is an idiot.
My parents never asked me to run away from home, but there were many unexplained one way tickets.