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Your life must really suck when no one even likes the catfish version of you.
I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
iOS 8 let`s you passcode lock specific apps? It`s fun imagining how many break ups that will cause.
How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Golf would be a lot more fun to watch on TV if the balls were on fire
If I`m not back in ten minutes ... then just wait longer.
I hope I die alone. I mean, you`d have to be a pretty big jerk to hope others die with you.
For Lent I`ve decided to give up my New Year`s Resolutions
If Santa doesn`t bring me something good I`m going to pee in his lap like I did when I was eight.
It`s Sunday or as I like to call it, "No pants day".
I’m great at multitasking. I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
Someone offered me grapes, but I declined. I`m not used to consuming wine in pill form.
Oh, you fell in love?! I fell in my bathtub.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
I procrastinate so much I’ll probably put off death and never die.