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Sorry I got drunk and angry and said all those things I meant but still shouldn`t have said.
I read "Do not believe everything you read." Now I`m not sure whether to believe this or not.
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
I like to walk around the house naked. Until the cops chase me back inside.
I use meditation and yoga to handle stress...Just kidding, I pop pills for that sh!t.
Don`t talk to me about hard times. My dog just licked the last piece of pizza.
Since it started raining all my wife has done is look through the stupid window... If it gets any worse, I`ll have to let her in.
Since It`s summer here`s a little advice, best way to beat the heat is to wear a San Antonio Spurs jersey
When I was a kid... No wait. I still do that.
Jobs are like relationships. You have them, you cry about it. You don’t have them, you cry about it.
The problem with rich people is I`m not one of them.
When Miley is naked & licks a hammer it’s “art” & “music” ... but when I do it, I`m “wasted” & “have to leave Home Depot"
What do you mean being awesome for another year isn`t a resolution?
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.