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That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
At first, I had my doubts about using autocorrect. But my new phone probed me wrong. PROVED DAMNIT! PROVED!
I’m trusting a whole lot of people not to randomly murder me throughout the day.
I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, and that’s how science works.
I`m not shy. I`m just being quiet because I know that if I open my mouth to speak, a flow of never- ceasing, insulting comment directed at you will immediately spew from within me.
Slut: desirable woman who has sex with someone other than yourself.
If I ever get real rich, I hope I`m not mean to poor people, like I am now.
Wow, I thought “flash mob” meant something completely different. Can someone come bail me out?
The best way to make a bad day better is by adding alcohol.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
Your silent treatment should be accompanied by a disappearing act.
If you see a porcupine in your yard, that`s my cat and we`re not done with our accupuncture session.
The weather is so nice. I think I’ll go outside and watch other people run.