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So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?
I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
My New Year’s resolution is to climb Mount Everest, learn 7 new languages, and stop lying.
Shouldn`t there have been at least one scene in The Karate Kid where Daniel`s mom was like "Why are you constantly in that old man`s shed?"
I always hate when I miss out on wear your pajamas to Wal-Mart night.
Valentines Day is the only day of the year that the guy with the smallest package gets the girl.
Netflix should double as a dating site and be like "here are 9 other singles in your area that watched LOST for the past 11 hours."
Of all the lies I tell, "I was just kidding!" is my favorite.
I want the job of placing pepperoni slices on frozen pizzas, because clearly whoever has it is now has problems.
Cop: Are you on drugs? Me: Why would I sit on drugs? Cop: Have you taken any? Me: Taken them where? Cop: I meant used drugs Me: I prefer new
Pillow forts have no age limit when you’re awesome.
I`m not saying my wife`s voice is annoying, but right now I`m really jealous of deaf people.
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
Not to get technical, but according to chemistry, alcohol is a solution.
Building the city on rock and roll was probably the wrong move from an engineering perspective.