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I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said "Die, Decepticons! Die!"
Does anyone know where the off switch on a child is? I can’t seem to find it.
Pepper spray: The perfect way to end an annoyingly long conversation.
Don`t forget: it`s very important what strangers on the Internet think about you.
Sorry I yelled "April Fool`s" while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
Wine doesn`t have many vitamins. That`s why you have to drink a lot of it.
PRO TIP: Date someone who doesn`t drink vodka so she won`t drink all of yours.
In my experience, most arguments are caused by a misunderstanding of the fact that I`m right.
Dinosaurs never had pizza and they all died.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
Every time I do laundry I throw one sock in the garbage, because I lose sh*t on my own terms.
You got your chocolate in my peanut butter!
Gotta admire people who drive with one hand holding on to a mattress tied to the roof.
Sometimes I zone out and forget what I’m supposed to be doing, and then I remember and take a drink of my beer.
My wife told me I have to quit playing poker all the time but I think she`s bluffing...