Daily Silly Status

Caught myself yelling "F*CK YOU" to my burrito for dripping on my pants, if you were wondering who`s raising the next generation.

My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.

Life lesson: you never have to feel ashamed of anything you buy as long as you buy a birthday card at the same time

I miss flip phones because at the end of a conversation you could always dramatically close them like, bitch whatever.

I´m a nobody, nobody is perfect, therefore I am perfect!

Sunday morning = lazy lay in my bed and fart under my sheets all day :)

I`d bite my nails less if there wasn`t always chocolate frosting under them.

My friends always use to say, "there`s plenty of fish in the sea." But looks like I ignored their advice and ended up marrying a whale.

So last night I put a whopee cushion on moms chair, waited and finally heard it go off.. I walk in with a massive smile on my face to find out that she hadn`t even sat on it yet.

Success, like a fart, only bothers people when its not their own.

Sometimes when my phones at 5% battery life I call back all the people I didn`t want to talk too.

I dont mind going to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is bullsh*t

Im just waiting for the day for Ashton Kutcher to go to Charlie Sheen and say "its stilll your show. YOU JUST BEEN PUNK`D!"

person 1: i can draw really well person 2: i`m really athletic person 3: i`m hilarious and likable person 4: i`m gorgeous me: i can breathe

Boomerangs can be quite dangerous if you`ve got alzheimers.