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When they say: "Wow, you`re really photogenic." What they mean: "Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are."
The only difference between fear and adventure is how much you breathe.
You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
I never thought I`d be one of those people that hit the gym early in the morning ... I was right!
The sole purpose of a child`s middle name, is so he can tell when he`s really in trouble.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
Ok everybody. Please look in your bedroom closet. I got my stalking notes mixed up and don`t know where I am.
Someone told me once that to have more confidence during sex, put in a live concert album while doing it. That way, you will hear applause every 3-4 minutes but I did it wrong. Accidentally put in a live concert album and all I heard was laughter!
What if there actually is one legit Nigerian millionaire prince who genuinely needs to use your bank account?
No officer I wasn’t texting, that’s dangerous. I was checking my email.
I was disappointed to learn that ‘landlady’ isn’t the opposite of a mermaid.
"Nothing there? Better bark at it." - my dog
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use "sliced bread" as our basis for great inventions.
I`d explain it to you again but I`m fresh out of crayons and puppets
If you`re going to stalk me at least notice when I`m running low on toilet paper & change the roll.