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When I see people jogging outside I like to drive slowly down the road behind them blasting “Eye of the Tiger” just to give them motivation.
So, when is this Old Enough To Know Better thing supposed to kick in?
Women spend more time thinking about what men think than men actually spend thinking.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
I may be crazy, but crazy is better than stupid.
Nothing screams DUI like wearing a really nice suit on a city bus.
Today`s Horoscope: You`re gullible.
Life is fun! You should get one.
I just went into an AOL chat room to ask someone how to start a fire with sticks.
So my kid secretly recorded me driving and singing and put it on social media if you needed to know how important birth control is today.
Insomnia improves your math skills. You spend all night calculating how much sleep you`ll get if you "fall asleep right now".
Now accepting friends that live on a lake and have a boat and/or jet skis
Most people who think I`m a nice person have no idea that I`d trade any one of my kids for a deep dish pizza.
"There are singles in your area." - me telling a stripper she forgot some money on the floor
Women- God’s version of a Rubik’s cube.