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Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.” If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
Like this if you can’t think of a clever status either.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
After much thought and careful consideration, I`ve decided not to do a damn thing today.
I hate when I’m alone in the dark and my brain says, “Hey, you know what we haven’t thought about in a while? Ghosts..”
I was reading that it takes the average man four minutes to have sex, and he’s asleep eight minutes after that. This sounds very dangerous, because by then most men are driving home.
I glued the TV remote to my wife. I`m expecting her to go missing any second now.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
Just completed a 0.00 mile run - preceded by 11 oreo cookies
"This isn`t my first rodeo" -Guy at his second rodeo
One thing horror movies have helped me realize is that as a parent, you definitely want to avoid having demonic children
As you get older your Christmas list gets shorter, because the things you want can`t be bought.
Golf is finally starting to pay off. I just signed a contract with Nike for a large sum of money in return for agreeing never to be seen playing with any of their equipment.
Scientists are saying that social media is making us less accepting and more aggressive. Whatever, a$$holes!