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Every time I`m about to win an argument with my wife someone wakes me up.
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
“If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my best” literally translates to “I’m a loud, sloppy drunk.”
I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbor mowing the lawn. I figure he`ll just have to mow around me. I`m not moving.
I’m classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
"If you can`t handle me at my worst, then you don`t deserve me at my best" literally translates to "I`m a loud, sloppy drunk."
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
Apparently not checking the mail is not a valid excuse for not paying your bills. The more you know.
The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance...The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, `Well, she`s there`
YouTube "This video is not available in your country". where the hell am I from? NARNIA?
My "To Do" list today only had one entry: "Nothing". And it took me all day to finish it!
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
My school always awarded dictionaries to the spelling bee winners. Which was weird because it should actually be awarded to the losers.
The wifes exhausted as she`s had some hot steamy action lately, But at least the ironing basket is empty
They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder. It`s true... The less I see of someone, the more I like them!