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I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
Make a random stranger`s day by walking up to them and saying "This isn`t real. You have to wake up"
The bed is always the comfiest right at the time you are supposed to be getting out of it
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line.... *as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad.
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
If a vegan does crossfit which do they talk about first?
I`m at my neighbor`s house having the most delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home!
Just found out my birthday is the same day I was born... Life is crazy...
If I had a dollar for every time someone has told me to "grow up," I could probably afford a whole arsenal of Super Soakers.
Happy 4/21! National work drug testing day!
The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they´re going to be when you kill them.
I pulled my wife`s panties to the side.......then put the rest of her socks in the drawer.