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If a woman shaves her legs for you, at least every other day, in the Winter time, it`s Love.
I just saw a gang of really drunk mosquitoes leave my arm and high-five each other. Weird.
Don`t ever, ever EVER!!! Touch a crazy man`s food!!! I will STAB YOU WITH A SPOON!
People should be loved. Things should be used. Unfortunately, we have it backwards
Two of the most honest people in the world; drunk people and little kids
If the plan is “drink beer now, figure out life later” then yes, everything is going according to plan.
Sometimes it`s easy to forget we would all violently murder each other if we couldn`t obtain basic food or water. Have a great day guys.
Hooray ! My face book film has been nominated for an Academy Award
On the bright side, it’s Friday Eve Eve Eve.
I`m giving up procrastination for Lent ... starting tomorrow.
Some people`s lives are like open books... Mine is like a trashcan without a lid.
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
Long story short, I love summaries
I`m the kind of friend who will help you hide a dead body, but if you betray me, just remember: I KNOW HOW TO HIDE A DEAD BODY
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?