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Who is this "Moderation" they keep telling me to drink with?
I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers
Refusing to go to the gym counts as resistance training, right?
I`m considering buying a racehorse and naming it, "My Face". Just so I can hear everyone in the stands scream "Come on, My face!!"...
Who me? Oh I`m just waiting for my husband to apologize for something I did wrong...marriage is fun
The only way I`m coming to your wedding is if you get Me a gift. You just found lifelong love, I think I deserve a blender more than you do.
You will always be my best friend ... You know too much.
I`m about 0 for 300 in looking for safes behind wall paintings
It´s Friday!! yea! Oh sorry, I was just practicing.
If your buttcrack is showing out of your pants. I will drop change in it and make a wish.
i`m my own therapist...which explains so much.
If you don`t like my facebook posts, feel free to delete me and solely visit your friends` pages where the big news of the day is when their grandkids finally took a $hit all by themselves.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
Shopping at the Dollar Tree makes me feel rich and poor at the same time.
I don`t always do a lot, but I put a lot of thought into it.