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It just dawned on me why Mayberry was so peaceful and quit, cause nobody was married. Andy, Aunt Bea, Barney, Floyd, Howard, Goober, Gomer, Sam, Ernest T Bass, The Darlins, Helen, Thelma Lou, Clara. The only one married was Otis, and he stayed drunk!
The more you know. Daylight Savings started back in 1964 when Jerry Daylight Savings was an hour late for work & convinced his boss all the clocks were wrong.
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
Group Therapy: listening to ALL your voices.
My friends and I played fantasy football in high-school. No league, we just constantly thought about the cheerleaders.
Getting back with your ex is pretty much the same as taking a shower, getting out, and putting back on the same old dirty underwear.
I found a dollar in my bed this morning... Following my excitement was a flash of panic as I checked all my teeth
If there was an award for most pessimistic, I probably wouldn’t even be nominated.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
Marriage. The world`s oldest form of identity theft.
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
I think that work and microwave minutes are longer than regular minutes.
Don`t you hate it when you`re typing something and you`re thinking about something else so then you subconsciously type what you were boobies.
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....