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Oh, I have an idea!!..oh wait, no I don`t
Helpful Tip : The police never think it`s as funny as you do.
I found $40 in my jeans. The kid in me says "Buy dart guns and candy", but the adult in me says "Buy vodka, dart guns and candy".
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
Friday is like a superhero that always arrives just in time to prevent me from savagely beating my coworkers with a keyboard.
I’m sorry I slapped you. It’s just you seemed like you weren’t going to stop talking and I panicked.
Accidentally took a women`s multi vitamin & I`ve been trying to get dressed for the past 3 hours, but everything is making me look fat.
If a dentist makes his money off people with unhealthy teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 4 out of 5 dentists recommend?
Playing dead on the couch all day in case a bear attacks. That`s not lazy, that`s proactive.
Apparently you can not demand to be strip searched.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
If your parachute doesn`t deploy, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
I’m so glad I was young and stupid before there were camera phones.
Dear wind, what has my hair ever done to you?