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I have this condition that prevents me from going on a diet. I get hungry.
I try to avoid nice people, so they can stay that way.
twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
I asked my mom for money and she said "Does it look like I am made of money?" I said "Well isn`t that what M.O.M stands for?"
Maybelline claims to make eyelashes appear three times longer…..I think they should start making condoms.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
UFC is 10% fighting, and 90% advertising the next fight
I can`t believe people used to have to paint selfies.
I`m disgusted by the thought of people updating their status while sitting on the toilet like I am right now.
Curling irons have a warning tag that says “For External Use Only.” Which of you sick mofos made that necessary?
My Wife does this cute thing where she says that "actions speak louder than words" and then gets pissed at me for just nodding.
I thought I cracked this "adulthood" till I realised my shirt was on inside out !!!!!
I read that India launched a rocket to Mars the other day. That seems like a strange place to put a call center?