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*wants to travel the world but has like 3 dollars*
When I said make yourself at home, I meant go wash my dishes.
To the guys complaining about lack of sex from their woman: supply & demand. Supply better product, they`ll demand it more. -Bfanch
I’m at Code 5 today. I don’t know. It’s something this lady in the coffee shop said and I liked it. So now I’m using it, too.
It`s so cold outside I just saw a teenager with his pants pulled all the way up!
I love buying a $1 burger and getting $2 worth of mayo...
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
Hugh Hefner dead at age 91. With the amount of Viagra that guy must have been taking, good luck closing that casket lid.
I feel so lazy.. Lazy as the guy who created the Japanese flag
They call them heated seats because rear defroster was already taken
You know those adorable idiosyncrasies you loved about your spouse when first dating? Well, after 10 years of marriage they become what the police refer to as "motive".
Why do they leave folding chairs so close to the wrestling ring? Shouldn’t the maintenance staff have learned their lesson by now?
I still sing my ABC’s to see which letter comes first.
I just saw a 3D printer at the UPS store. It`s kind of cool, but I won`t be impressed until it can print snacks...
"Someday, your phone will cost more than your computer" - said no one ever.