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Trust me, you want me medicated!!
Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is understanding that the other person is a complete idiot.
I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
Last night I dreamed I was eating a giant marshmallow. When I woke up in the morning, my pillow was gone...
Instructions for having an adventure: 1. Stand outside restaurant. 2. Wait for someone to ask if you`re the valet. 3. Say yes.
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
If your friends don`t make fun of you, they`re not really your friends.
I`m still trying to get over the fact that oranges are pre-sliced by nature.
Unless you fell off the stairmaster and a barbell fell on your face... no one wants to hear about your workout.
My wife asked about my wildest sex fantasy, but she got pissed when I told her. I probably shouldn’t have started w/ “After your funeral...”
Okay I`m going to workout. Should I post about it now or after I`m done?
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee`s you`re buying it off of sure can.
If Wendy`s think their square burgers are so awesome, why don`t they use square buns?
They say 1 minute of kissing burns 26 calories. No wonder sluts are so damn skinny.