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Why are people sad when potatoes can be cooked in like 200 ways?
SCIENCE FACT: If you close your eyes, you won`t be able to see.
Are you bored? Head over to Walmart, go into a fitting room, shut the door, wait awhile, and then yell very loudly, `Hey! There`s no toilet paper in here.`
Today I seek some truth and fulfilment but I’ll settle for some bacon.
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
Not all country music is terrible. If you can get past the lyrics about trucks, mud, farms and cows... It`s actually not too bad.
Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
I wonder who was the first person to see an egg come out of a chicken`s booty and think..."I`m gonna eat that!"
I need something that`s more than coffee but less than cocaine.
Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
When I was a kid, there was no Internet. Sometimes people would walk for miles to call me a bastard.
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
If you wake up with a chick and you dont know her name, take her to starbucks, they`ll write it on the cup.
You know a woman really loves you when she vandalizes your car after an argument.