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That urge you get to write “No one gives a crap” on someone’s status.
Collecting my thoughts… I almost have a whole set! ;)
Vodka and denial are cheaper than therapy.
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
If you stop at a yellow light I`m going to assume you have something illegal in your car.
Good to know that if they ever release a lion in Walmart you only have to run faster than the fat lady with the zebra print pants on.
“Single and ready to mingle” is the fancy way of saying “Alone and desperate”
Don`t come to my door wanting to talk about the Lord. I don`t come to your door wanting to talk about wine and vibrators, do I?
I need to get out of bed and do something so I can justify taking a nap later.
Nothing f*cks up your Friday like realizing that it`s only Tuesday
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
I`m sorry officer, I thought you wanted to race.
Ladies, I hate to break this to you, but curves and rolls are not the same thing.
My butt decided to go big instead of go home.
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.