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Put that down you fat piece of sh!t` - the title of the dieting book I`m writing.
If sex is said to be the best exercise, than why are there no fitness clubs for that. Now there`s idea. . .
Reality is only an illusion that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.
There`s an emoji for eggplants but not for popcorn and this is why trusting people isn`t just hard, it`s impossible.
Adulthood is like losing your mom in the grocery store for the rest of your life.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night.
One of my favorite discoveries about adulthood is that there are literally no rules stopping you from eating an entire row of Oreos at once.
I`m as bored as a guy with no arms looking at porn.
The secret of enjoying a good wine: 1) Open the bottle to allow it breathe. 2) If it does not look like it`s breathing, give it mouth-to-mouth.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
If you have just started playing flappy bird I would like to warn you there is nothing up ahead but more dangling pipes and disappointment
All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal, or fattening
A good way to break up with a girl gently, is to curtsy when you`re meeting her father instead of shaking his hand.
A penny for your thoughts, Five bucks if they’re naughty.
i just opened a fortune cookie and it started with the word unfortuneatly