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When the cashier asks "How`s your day going?" I reply "I`m buying 3 bottles of wine, it`s clearly only getting better."
Stay positive ladies, maybe he just didn`t hear you the first 100 times.
“It would take too long to explain…” Translated: “I have no idea how it works.”
I’ve never considered myself much of a conspiracy theorist. Then I discovered the letters in Frito Lay could be rearranged to spell Oily Fart- Coincidence?… I think not!!!
When I was your age, we had to walk 10 miles in the snow to get drunk and have s€x.
[takes out checkbook][clicks pen] Alright, how much to make these Bit Strips to go away forever.
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
When plastic bags become currency, I will be king.
My best childhood memory was falling asleep on the couch and waking up in bed…. I miss teleporting. It never happens to me anymore.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
I just assume I do everything wrong since I don`t have a wife to confirm it.
Why do we only crave what`s bad for us? Alcohol, deep fried food, sex with strangers. You never hear anyone say "I`d kill for some salad"
I spend hours on Facebook and then think, “Well, that was pointless”
A gay man is just one colonoscopy away from foreplay
I asked my wife if we could get a hot young nanny. Of course she got mad and said "No!". For one thing, we don`t have any kids...