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Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
PLEASE - put this on your status if you know someone (or are related to someone) who has been eaten by dragons. Dragons are nearly unstoppable and, in case you didn`t know, they can also breathe fire. 93% of people won`t copy and paste this, because they have already been eaten by dragons. 6% of people are sitting in the shower armed with fire extinguishers and the remaining 1% are awesome and will re-post.
This liquor store needs a dollar menu.
I think there are great benefits in remaining strangers.
The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.
My doctor just told me I was suffering from paranoia, well he didn`t actually say that, but I could tell it was what the bastard was thinking.
Carfax but for people
The songs I like always come on when Iām supposed to be getting out of my car.
Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
There are two types of people...don`t worry you are not one of them.
I assume when I get put on hold after I call customer service, it`s because 2 guys are flipping a coin to see who pretends to be the manager.
That annoying moment when a package says "easy open" and you need scissors, a knife, a gun, and a lightsaber just to open it.
Designated Driver is just a nicer way of saying, you can come with us, but nobody wants to deal with your drunk a$$.
The term "chubby chasers" is so inaccurate and misleading. Cause we don`t run.
You know that look women get when they want sex ? ..........me neither.