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I like to sit outside on campus at night in my 1940s clothes and when people say things to me, I say "You can see me?"
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there`s a home invasion, the intruder will think I`m part of the team.
All women are bad for me. At least that`s what my wife says.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
I don’t mean to alarm you but you know those people in your office that can’t work the fax machine? They’re driving home on the same roads.
The part of "no" that I don´t understand is the part where I don´t get what I want
Congrats on your secret admirer! Must be nice having someone who’s ashamed to admit they like you!
so, on a scale of one is to seven, which letter of the alphebet is your favourite colour?
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
Mission Impossible: Ordering something at Subway without saying, "ummmm".
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
I would like to thank you people for letting me know its Friday every week. Its thoughts like this that keep me on Facebook.
I`m no auto mechanic but I`m pretty good at letting people who drive behind me know whether or not they need new brakes
Why do people always feel safe under blankets...its not like a murderer will break in and be like "I`M GONNA KILL YAA__AAHHHhhhh dang he is under a blanket.
I`m more of a "the glass is half shattered into a million tiny pieces" person.