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I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
So, if I lie to the government, it’s a felony. But if they lie to me its politics?
I`ve just released my own fragrance...No one on the bus seems to like it though.
I just wanted to say thank you to all the people that have given me a reason to drink this Friday night.
Too bored to do nothing. Too lazy to do anything.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
Some psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person`s confidence, but nobody in this park seems to appreciate it.
I can`t afford a therapist so i bought a mood ring
I found the key to happiness ... Stay away from a$$holes.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
Do watch out for elderly neighbours in the heat wave. They`re liable to trap you for hours and talk about the weather.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
Sex, drugs and candy crush all have one thing in common. It`s only an addiction if you start paying for it.