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Silence is Golden, except when coming from children… Then you’d better go check to see what’s broken.
Business Plan: 1. Hold sign that says "Free Hugs" 2. Whisper during the hug, "it`s $50 to let go"
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for "hardcore poem"?
If you take bites out of string cheese rather than rip strings off , you don`t f*cking deserve string cheese.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Boobs, because you can`t motorboat a personality.
I just want one spam email that`s like, "Congratulations! You have a perfect-sized p*nis."
Whenever someone asks me to sign their cast, I always write: ‘last warning, you have a week to get the money together.’
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
Had another daydream where I`m doing the mexican hat dance and CIA guys watching me from satellites are dancing along in their control room
Don`t just be one of those people who stares at their phone or computer twelve hours a day. It`s important to also watch some TV.
I`m so glad my face doesn’t have a progress bar that shows how long it takes me to understand what someone is saying.
If the cupcake has some green sprinkles on it, it`s a vegetable, right?
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.