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Why is it socially acceptable to wear a bikini at the beach but not on the bus? At the end of the day I’m just a guy in a bikini on the bus.
Why insult someone when you can say something nice in a very sarcastic tone.
is "insert clever remark here."
I really don`t have time for people that don`t find me hilarious.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we`re married & live together so I`d have to see them every day.
People are like music, some speak the truth and others are just noise.
Futons are the most disappointing Transformers ever.
I`m trying to locate a girl from high school. You know, the one who could tie a cherry stem with her tongue.
You can tell Monopoly is an old game because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.
I sure do feel a lot more attractive at Walmart than I do at the gym.
I would probably die of sleep deprivation if Facebook added a dislike button
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
My own personal hell sounds great, actually
Ugh, stalkers are horrible. You`d think someone could`ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.