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I wasn`t even going for broke. But I got it!
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
People of planet Earth, thank your gods that I`m not in charge of the red button.
Are you tired of every day being the same? Congratulations, you’re an adult!
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
Phrases I hope to avoid in my obituary: “skeletal remains,” “dumpster,” “almost beyond recognition,” “dental records” and “shallow grave.”
Of course you look good; I don`t have ugly friends.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
Women come in two types: batsiht crazy and hot enough to ignore the batsiht crazy…
For men who think.."A women`s place is in the kitchen," Just remember, that`s where the Knives are kept!
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task.
I always like seeing those "Baby on Board" stickers because it`s nice to see agreeable babies out there.
When life throws you curveballs, swing at those motherf*ckers like Stevie Wonder with a lightsaber.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
I am woman, hear me say the opposite of what I mean in that tone that means you`d better do what I meant and not what I said.