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I don´t like people who can´t make fun of themselves. It means more work for me.
Whenever I start feeling spontaneous, my bank account quietly reminds me to calm down.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
Just stepped outside, closed my eyes, took a deep breathe of fresh air, sipped a Dew. What a perfect morning, what could go wrong? Crap I forgot 2 put pants on!
You are intriguing. You require further stalking, sorry I mean investigation.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
I`m gonna start a secret porn industry and call it "the Illuminaughty".
Went looking for camouflage underwear today.....couldn`t find any
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
Apologising does not mean you are wrong and the other person is right, it just means you value your relationship more than your ego.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? You still have to get up & take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
I’m sorry for what I said when I was hungry.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream.
Truthfully, I`d like you all a whole lot better if you were bacon.
Found a note on my door today that said ”You’re Awesome!” ... Yes, I wrote it yesturday. But still, the truth is the truth.