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It`s real cute how pedestrians confuse "right of way" with immortality.
The only time I want to hear about your baby is when you tell me it ain`t mine.
Why don’t television shows say, “You will be delighted to know that this program contains strong sexual content?”
I bet more people would call the Gambling Addicts Helpline if they made every 5th caller a winner.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
My theory on housework is, if the item doesn´t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be.
Imagine how fun Pringles would be if the cans were spring-loaded.
Coffee: fueling you for a job you can`t stand to support a life you never wanted. Tastes good though...
Parallel park, like nobody’s laughing.
The only time I`ve ever early to anything is when I`m dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, scratch between my butt cheeks....I`m in public.
When the only light in your world is suddenly gone …it’s time to recharge your phone.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
I lost 3 pounds over the weekend, but not to worry I found them lastnight at pizza hut
Skinny people are bitches. Probably because they`re hungry.