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The best nicknames are the ones people don`t know they have.
I just found out that checking your credit score actually LOWERS your credit rating. Seriously? That`s like every time you look in the mirror, you get a little bit uglier.
Pretty fed up with the fact that pandemonium almost NEVER involves pandas.
If you say married people aren’t having sex, you have obviously never sat in a hotel bar & watched them pick up strangers.
The invention of the shovel must have been ground-breaking.
I order all my food with extra gluten.
You can tell a lot about a woman by the way she pours gasoline around your car.
Care less and you’ll stress less.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
I`m not crazy I`m just special! No wait maybe I am crazy.. One second, I have to talk to myself about this hold on...
the `real` me doesnt do facebook
Sometime you have to hand it to short people ... because they can`t reach.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
Is there anything more awkward than when you are singing along to a song on youtube and the music stops loading.
I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.