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For every bad idea you have, I’m always there to tell you…I’m in.
Turns out Xenophobia is not `A fear of Warrior Princesses`
This bulk box of peanuts I got from Costco tastes like styrofoam.
While most people are becoming older and wiser, I´m becoming older and better at making stuff up as I go along.
I`ve come to believe that everyone on Earth could benefit from a 12 step program.
Do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don`t have to be there
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean & people think I’m joking.
The way you feel when your phone dies is exactly how Cinderella must have felt at midnight
I hate when people see me at the store and are like "Hey, what are you doing?" I`m like "Oh you know, hunting elephants."
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
I like to gaze up at the stars at night and think about how somewhere there is intelligent life that hates doing laundry as much as I do.
Santa gets all the credit and I get all the debt.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.
Let’s have a moment of silence for all these guys that tried to walk across power lines but fell because someone tied their shoes together.