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I don`t need glasses ... I drink straight from the bottle.
Boss: Are you high? Me: You and I both know that I don`t make enough money to have a drug habit.
I can`t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
My grocery list is just a piece of paper saying ~ don`t run into anyone you know.
Coffee is gods way of saying "go ahead get trashed on a weeknight, I`ve got your back"
I was disappointed to learn that the Discovery Channel’s program “Deadliest Catch” wasn’t about first marriages.
For Sale. Old batteries, free of charge.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
For a guy who cant figure out how a remote works my dad sure has a lot of advice for Obama.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
This year rather than candy for your valentine why not liquor instead.
I love asking kids what they want to be when they grow because I`m still looking for ideas
Just picked the remote up off the floor with my feet while lying on the couch, so I guess today was leg day...
Now if you’ll excuse me, tonight’s bad decisions aren’t going to make themselves.