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I ran into a hot guy at the grocery store last week and he hasn`t tracked me down and proposed to me yet. This is why I hate movies.
Just in case you are wondering ... I did not go to Jared.
When I say ‘it’s a long story’, it doesn’t mean it’s actually a long story. It means I just don’t want to tell you.
I have never been guilty of taking the smaller pizza slice.
When a porn actress is rude at a restaurant, there`s really nothing the staff can put in her food for revenge.
Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren`t in our best interest?
Hey NFL, solution to your recent problem, start allowing players to hit each other on the field again
Why is it that the instant I buy new chap stick, the old one magically reappears?
If I was a waiter.. I would plant fake engagement rings in every girl`s champagne glass, just to see their boyfriends panic.
If someone says “you’re funny” instead of laughing, you’re not.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Marriage teaches you forgiveness, compromise and tons of other things you wouldn`t need if you`d stayed single.
Getting another set of teeth would be much more useful at age 60 than age 6.
If Shakespeare is correct and "all the world is a stage" then I seriously would like to be in control of that trap door.