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My girlfriend thinks I`m a stalker. . . . well. . . she`s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
“Have you tried just drinking ALOT of vodka?”- me as a therapist
Just came to the realization that with their ridiculous fees, I`m tipping my ATM more than my bartender.
This liquid diet crap is a scam. I`ve been drinking beer since last Tuesday and I`m still fat.
I didn`t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
Go to O`Reilly Auto Parts website and type, `121G` in the search bar.
The only thing I ever throwback on Thursdays are drinks
Passed a vampire, a zombie, and a prostitute on the way to work tonight. Not sure which ones were in costume…
Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason. - kids
I HATE it when I get invited to weird events on Facebook. ..For the FIFTH time, I do not want to go to your cat`s birthday party. Damn it! ..My dog is getting married
I`m not a doctor, but I play one on eHarmony.
I can’t tell if I’m hungry, but better eat just in case.
Beach people are fickle. One minute you`re the loser with a bucket of cold fries and the next they`re terrified of the Lord of Seagulls.
Just saw a guy checking out my wife. Good luck buddy. I’m married to her and I don’t even have a chance.
Great friends never let you do stupid things......alone