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I hate how my friends are always trying to convince me to do extreme activities. Like bungee jumping, skydiving or leaving the house.
What age is the best to break it to my kids, that they`re NOT adopted?
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children, don’t know very much about children.
You can`t be ugly and play hard to get. It just doesn`t work that way...your already hard to want
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
I had a doctors appointment today. He said I was normal! See? I told you!!!
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
The 21st century: When deleting history is more important than making it.
Would the 2 Sonic dudes just get it over with and kiss already
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
When I go into a bar I shout out "YOU CHEATING WHORE!" Whoever turns around is who I`m buying drinks for.
The Bishop came to our church today, but I think he was an imposter. He never once moved diagonally.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"
I spend my weekends farting in libraries and then shushing people that complain.