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Starting an international incident is number one on my bucket list.
Remember the days when water was free and you had to pay for porn?
Singing passionately in the shower: Pretty good idea. Dancing passionately in the shower: Not so much.
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
I don`t know why I don`t buy more piñatas. Like right now I would love to beat the shit out of something and then eat a bunch of candy.
Anybody know where the cheapest place to buy 12 red roses is?.....just asking for a friend.
Saw someone try and park a car for about 10 minutes. I didn’t see the person so I’m not going to assume what gender she was.
When you are dead, you don`t know you are dead but other people do. The same is true when you are stupid.
Sometimes I think my job is actually a hidden-camera game show where they see how much absurd bullshit I’ll put up with before I catch on.
No matter what`s happening there`s always part of me that would rather be taking a nap or drinking.
There`s no room in my life for B.S. ... Unless it`s burritos oand salsa
How do you start a rave in Ethiopia? Glue a piece of toast to the ceiling
What do 95% of men do after an orgasm? Delete their browser history.
The less you know, the more you think you do.
I wake up everyday planning to be productive. Then a voice in my head says, " hahaa, good one!" Then we laugh and laugh and take a nap.