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Sometimes I like to go to the hardware store and run around with a screwdriver shouting, "Ladies and gentlemen, this is not a drill!"
Facebook is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
I remember my single days like it was 11 years, 1 month, and 12 days ago.
"There`s a sleeping person. Let`s go ask it questions." – Children
It`s fun to leave a note on the windshield of an expensive car saying sorry I smashed it, but I fixed it so well that you can`t tell.
Moving all my retirement funds into a Colorado snack machine franchise.
I’m old enough to know what’s bad for me and young enough to do it.
Of course you should follow me. I’m funny. Ask anyone. Well, except my mother-in-law. Don`t ask her.
If you try to fail but you succeed which have you done?
Don`t judge a person for drinking; judge a person for not drinking. Those f*ckers are up to something.
You`re one of a kind! Thank goodness...
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
No matter how many gross facts you tell me about McDonald’s I’m still gonna eat it.
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.
My problem is, I`m about 30% stud, and 70% muffin.