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When you called me a b*tch, did you mean it as an insult or a compliment?
I’m a really down to earth guy because, you know, gravity.
Bring donuts so your coworkers will like you. Cut them in half so they will hate you again.
Very productive day today, turd-wise
Don’t confuse my personality with my attitude. My personality is who I am. My attitude depends on who you are.
Today I caught myself thinking of you and smiling... but it was because you had a booger in your nose the last time I saw you.
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box for me to start a campfire?
When life gives you lemons....throw them back and yell, "I wanted cookies!"
We’ve solved so many world problems, and yet chocolate still has calories.
Being single is the worst sh!t ever. Being in a relationship is a close second.
A secret is what you tell everyone not to tell anyone else.
The only correct answer to the question are you sleeping is no.
I’m actually not funny. I’m just really mean and people think I’m joking.
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss