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Couch pillows are really just fart silencers.
"Does my uniform make me look fat?" -Insecurity guard
"Hey! Aren`t you that guy from the village people?" - Me, to every cop who pulls me over
A golden rule to live by: Never do anything that you wouldn’t want to explain to the paramedics!
It’s a strange moment, when you realize that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals, birds, and insects desperately trying to get laid.
My wife`s credit cards were stolen last week. I haven`t reported it yet though...because so far, they are spending less than she was.
Does anyone have like twenty thousand dollars they don’t want? Asking for myself.
It`s not condescending if they`re stupid.
I wonder if anyone has watched Storage Wars and said, "Hey, that`s my stuff!"?
Roses are red, Violets are blue... Sunflowers are yellow. I bet you thought this would be something sweet and charming, but it`s just some garden facts.
Your girl always on her knees. What she forgot she had feet?
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
When I see a hot girl walking by, I like to look at her and blink very fast and repeatedly so it looks like shes walking in slow motion. Everything is better in slow motion =)
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
"I" before "E" except after "Old MacDonald had a farm"