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I don`t wanna make this weird but that`s just kinda how I do things.
Life can be like Chess sometimes. I don`t know how to play Chess.
I don`t know how the law of averages works, but you`d think after 25yrs of marriage I`d be right at least once
Restaurant Advertisement: We serve food as HOT as your neighbour’s wife; And beer as COLD as your own. :)
Sorry I’m cranky. I didn’t get my nap in today.
I don’t understand how people have to “get ready for bed”…I’m always ready for bed.
I gauge a person’s wealth by the level of protection on their iPhone. No case, huge salary.
I hate mixed messages. They`re great.
Improve your memory by doing unforgettable things.
The nice thing about being a guy is your underwear only costs $10 for a 3-pack.
If I ever put stuff in storage I`m going to write "gold bars" and "priceless memorabilia" on the boxes just to mess with storage wars.
My bed and I are in a good relationship, and my alarm clock is so0o jealous...
I would be a terrible stalker because A) I`m not motivated enough B) You would always hear the rattle of peanut m&ms behind you.
You know it`s cold outside... when you step on dog poop and roll your ankle
I did a terrible job preparing for my Blue Man Group audition and boy is my face red