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If I don`t make at least one person scream, "WTF" then my day is not done yet.
I have to be careful what I say online because my kids might find out how cool I am and want to start hanging out with me.
I`m not mature enough to be in a yoga class.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
If I could move things by telekinesis I`d squeeze people`s insides and make them fart.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
The human race is the only one that lets its idiots live a full life...
Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
They say a dog park is a great place to pick up girls. I don`t have a dog so I am walking around with a bag of poop so I won`t look weird.
Mornings are the best when they start in the afternoon.
When it gets nice out I`m going to have a roof party and after that`s done have a painting party inside, come all
Every woman thinks her husband is a moron. And they’re absolutely right because smart men don’t get married.
It’s a status….not your diary…
Guess it`s time to get to the part of the day I hate... the part which requires pants.
These ‘energy saving` light-bulbs are bullsh!t. They take just as much effort to screw in as the ordinary ones.