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Have you hugged you bartender today.
If I could only use one word to describe myself, it would probably be: "not good at following directions".
I feel like I could give a great NBA locker room speech. "Guys, we`re all millionaires, none of this matters."
You can turn anything into a compliment if you`re delusional enough.
why hello there stalker! Enjoying my profile?(=
Life is like toilet paper....either you`re on a roll....or you`re taking sh*t from some asshole
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
A moment of silence to all the kids who can’t wait to become a teenager because they think it’s fun..
Dating Tip: If she hasn`t kissed you by the third date, she`s there for the food.
Relationships always start out as "You`re smart and funny." and end up as "You think you know everything and it`s all a joke to you!"
How about a T.V. show that just explains the backstory on all of the “For External Use Only” warning labels.
I don`t need an excuse to drink, but thank you for giving me one.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
I can`t afford to go on vacation these days,so I just drink until I don`t know where the duck I am or how I got there.
That one-day popularity on Facebook because it’s your birthday.