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LIFE TIP: The early worm gets dismembered, and eaten alive!
I believe pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
Life was much easier when apples and blackberries were fruits&& not phones
We spend 33% of our life sleeping, 33% wanting to be asleep and the rest apologizing to women.
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says "We need to talk".
My greatest fear is that PMS is fake and this is my real personality.
If I`m guilty of anything, it`s loving too much. And several outstanding speeding tickets. But mostly loving too much.
It should be socially acceptable to end any boring conversation by shouting "UNSUBSCRIBE!"
I just told my wife it took her longer to pick a Netflix movie than it took me to pick out her engagement ring and that was a bad analogy.
Guys, if she says she’s crazy, she’s harmless. The real crazy ones never give you a damn clue.
Bitch, I grew up on the streets!!...Yes, it was Sesame
It`s funny how as you get older you relate more to the villains in Disney than the Princesses.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.