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I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Sometimes it`s nice to know karma is still a feisty little b!tch.
The best moments in life are the ones you don`t tell anyone about.
People assume when I yawn that I’ve lost interest in what they have to say but truth be told, I was never interested.
House cleaning would go a lot faster if the spray bottles made laser gun sounds
My Hamster passed today, he fell asleep at the wheel.
Unless your kid’s fundraiser is selling booze, I want no part of it.
went to vegas: put a coin in the machine and a prize came out, put another coin and another prize came out...problem is i don`t know what to do with all these empty cans now.
Just ate a whole bag of chips, but it was “reduced fat” so basically it was like going to the gym.
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
A fun part of your 40s is waking up thinking you`re hungover, and then remembering, nope, this is just how my body feels now.
This status update contains many of the same words that appear on Pulitzer Prize winning novels.
My doctor is concerned about my high blood pressure. I told him, next time, don`t leave me sitting in the waiting room for two hours.
She calls it cuddling. I call it strategic body placement for the war of the covers that is about to take place.
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.