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I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo
My trust issues began when there was no donkey in Donkey Kong.
Oh look, it`s raining outside. I think I`ll go on Facebook and update all my friends that don`t have a window of their own.
Sorry I said "You`ll Do" instead of "I Do" at our wedding.
Apparently this Walmart cashier only brushes her favorite teeth.
Twerking is just shaking your a$$? Why did we need a new word? A$$-shaking has served us well for centuries.
Sometimes I get in this weird mood where I find everyone annoying. But it only happens when I’m awake.
The first sign of laziness:
If you like counting to three, you are going to love parenting.
I`m opening a bar called The Office. You`re welcome guys. "Be home soon sweetie, I`m at The Office"
auto-correct has got to be my worst enema.
One man’s potato is another man’s vodka.
When asked how I take my coffee, I reply with, "Seriously. Very seriously."
One way to find out if you`re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you`re young, if they panic, you`re old.
Didn`t have to do much to end my last relationship...she first told me that "opposites attract"...then a couple of days later she told me i was handsome, kind, smart, funny and loving...