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You will never find the right person if you do not let go of the wrong one. Call me!
sometimes i look at people and think really, thats the sperm that won.
Just saw the little boy next door licking whip cream off the cat. Pretty sure he heard something he shouldn`t have.
One does not simply log out of their friend`s facebook account without making them gay.
4 out of 5 voices in my head think the other voice is a douche.
Does "Can I take your order?" sometimes mean "Let`s start a new life together" or am I reading too much into this?
Q.Teacher: why do we drink water? A. Learner : Because we cant eat it!
Why do cops get mad when other cops have jurisdiction over a case? I`d be like cool I`m going home to eat.
It`s always nice to be called Pretty in the morning. So what if he was hiding behind the trash wearing no pants.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
My beard itches, Web MD: Beard cancer
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
"Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it." -Me lying to someone who`s pointing out a constellation
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.