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I don`t just sing in my shower, I perform.
Iām classically trained in the art of Nintendo.
I wish common sense was more common.
If someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
All this time I thought Bi-Polar was a big white bear with no sexual preference.
I bought my Ex a chair ... But the state won`t let me plug it in.
I like wearing glasses because I like to dramatically remove them before I say something profound. Doing that with contacts doesn`t have the same effect.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
If people could read my mind, Iād get punched in the face a lot.
Bacon is the only exception that does not fall under the 5 second rule for dropped food.
Hey ladies! Great news! Those low riding, butt crack, hip hugger jeans are coming back in style!
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now Googling how to extract a fork from bone without causing more damage.
Even hoarders throw their chapstick away if someone else uses it.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
Running away doesn`t help your problems, unless you`re fat. Then yeah, run away.