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Apparently you have to go to the gym more than once to get in shape, what the hell.
If you think you’ve hit rock bottom, the only thing that can cheer you up is bringing somebody else down with you.
Yes we`re friends on facebook but that`s where it ends, stop trying to talk to me in real life... mom
I`m "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don`t trust my farts anymore" years old.
Has anybody tried unplugging Congress and then plugging it back in?
As long as everything is exactly the way I want it, I`m totally flexible
Has it ever occurred to optimists and pessimists that the glass is refillable?
1. OMG will this ever end? 2. OMG will this ever end? 3. OMG will this ever end? - top 3 things on my mind when I`m in a conversation
I don`t really like the idea that James Franco might be in my grandkids` history textbooks.
Nothing says "under the thumb" like a joint Facebook account
If you still wear a Calculator watch, my guess is you don’t need it to add up all the ladies you get….
Depending on how you look at it, half of 8 could be 4, 3, or 0.
I want the drugs of the first guy who was like "DUDE, let`s carve a face into a pumpkin."
Actions speak louder than words, unless those words are spoken by a drunken woman.
What do horses eat? Hay. What do gay horses eat? Haaaayyyy!