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Why do restaurants always say "Shirt and Shoes Required" but never say anything about pants?
When I was a kid…no wait, I still do that.
Is "blowjob" one word or two words? God I hate writing thank you cards. -Bfanch
Chili for breakfast. Cause I hate my Co-workers.
Did you ever notice how a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5min” and a guys “I’ll be home in 5min” are one and the same?
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2015.
I`m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I`ve given the bird to lots of people today.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
It`s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
i dont like ling distance relationships so i move the fridge to my room
I wouldn`t pay for a personal trainer, but I would pay someone to just knock unhealthy food out of my hands.
I got in touch with my musculine side today - laying on the couch all day, eating gross food, playing games...
It needs more cowbell!!
Today I heard a guy on the street say, `It`s chowder season, baby!` so I pushed him in front of a bus because those are awesome last words
After lengthy reflection, I’ve concluded that having kids wasn’t worth the seven times my son took out the garbage for me.