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There`s a time and place for wine, In my hand and now.
I went to the bank and said I`d like to open a joint account. They said "With who?" I said "Anyone who has a lot of money!"
Every now and then when I`m in a room alone I say out loud, "I know you`re listening". If I`m wrong, nobody knows. If I`m right, I just freaked the hell out of some guy.
I just ordered a Life Alert bracelet so if I ever get a life I`ll be notified immediately.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
Mistakes married men make: 1. Doing things. 2. Not doing things. 3. Thinking about doing things. 4. Not thinking about doing things.
On a scale of 1 to "Get out you`re fired" where does napping at work rank?
My date just saved me tons of money by simply saying, "no, I don`t want to be your valentine and stop texting me!"
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a normal pigeon.
There is no time to check time
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
Dating tip: Men always remember the woman who vomited on them.
Sometimes I wish I was a nicer person but then I laugh and continue my day.