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My first mistake was thinking she couldn`t hit a moving target.
Am I the only one who calculates how much sleep I can get before I go to bed?
If I ignored you any harder, we`d be married.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I`m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I`m at my best mathematically when I wake up before the time my alarm is set for
Damn you auto correct mind your business.
I`ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
One time I was in a bar and there was this really weird guy pouring booze all over his hand. Turned out he was trying to get his date drunk
I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven`t pooped it out yet ... Really scared now!
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
I can either be on time or wearing pants. Pick one.
Watching these gymnasts doing the balance beam is making me feel really bad about almost missing the couch.
You´re just jealous because the voices are talking to me and not you!