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My internet addiction is getting alt of ctl.
Well today I turned 26, not because I wanted to, but only because Facebook limits how many times you can actually change your birth year !
Just worked out, I will spend on average 7 years of my life in the bathroom. My wife will spend on average 6.9 years of her life knocking on the door saying " are you all right in there "
Falling in love is like watching a sexy person eat hot, crispy bacon and wanting to eat some, too. Marriage is like listening to them chew.
I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number? ...hmm
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
I hate when I`m on Facebook and I`m rudly interrupted by a jogger bouncing off my windshield
Next time one of your friends leave their Facebook open, randomly pick one of their friends and like all 973 of their photos.
Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
To the dude I just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
When someone yells stop, I don`t know if it`s in the name of love, it`s hammer time, or if I should collaborate and listen.
Apparently "whiskey and wild women" is not an acceptable answer when asked what your weaknesses are during a job interview.
Answering all questions with "but you ain`t got no legs Lieutenant Dan" stops people from asking you questions.
Son, you don`t get anything in life without trying hard and working for it. Now be quiet, there about to announce the lottery results...
I went for a run tonight. Sure, it was a beer run but, I was still sweating by the end.