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I`m on this great new diet where I spend all my grocery money on strippers.
They call themselves independent women until furniture needs to be moved
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them? Why aren`t we helping to find them?
2 cops walk into a bar… I don’t know what happened after that. I got the f*ck out of there.
Old meaning of sorry. "I won`t do it again." New meaning of sorry. "Damn I got caught, next time I need to be more careful."
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Somewhere, right this minute, someone is reading this sentence.
whoo hoo...I have new gutters. Please try and keep your mind out of them.
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
I`d like to thank Tetris for making me really good at loading my dishwasher.
Porn teaches kids an unhealthy and unrealistic idea of how quickly a plumber will come to your house.
A woman’s anger is like a check engine light; there’s no pleasant way to determine what caused it, so just ignore it and hope it goes away.
Happy Birthday to all those ladies that their men forgot about because it falls on Super Bowl Sunday this year.
Rich people have rehab. Poor people have jail.
Buy a "World`s Greatest Boss" mug and drink out of it in front of your boss.