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I spend a lot of time holding the refrigerator door open looking for the answer.
If you play my day at work backwards, its about an idiot getting less and less annoying
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Girlfriend said she felt she looked fat, tired, and ugly. Said she needed a compliment. I told her that her eyesight was nearly flawless.
I think the golden rule for men should be, don’t say anything to a woman at work that you wouldn’t want another man to say to you in prison.
For you men who think a woman’s place is in the kitchen, remember… that’s where the knives are kept.
Why don`t the post office get the Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail on Saturday? Work smarter not harder people.
Hey ladies breastfeeding in public,…Why don’t you ever smile in my pictures?
You know you are meant to be when you high five after sex.
Why is powdered milk called ‘Instant milk’? Actual milk is far more instant.
Volleyball = A more intense version of don`t let the balloon hit the floor.
I embraced my inner child today and the lil` bastard bit me!
I bought a book on eBay called, "How to scam on eBay". That was 2 months ago, and it`s not arrived yet
How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
Ways to Win my Heart: Buy me Beer Bring me Beer Be Beer.