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So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
I don’t understand how my house gets so messy when I literally sit in one spot with my phone all day.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my GF how her day was.
There’s a thin line between “I should do a status update about that” and “I should talk to a therapist about that”
Not to brag, but I don’t need to smoke pot to get the munchies.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
Next time a guy asks for your number, write it down in Roman numerals. If he manages to call you, he`s a keeper.
Just found out I`m pregnant. At least that`s what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
If animals spoke our language we`d be in their debt because they`d have some seriously incriminating dirt on all of us.
My cat just dragged in a half eaten sausage, I have no idea where he got it from but it tastes expensive.
I wish I was important enough for my nudes to get leaked.
Water is so good when it`s mixed with grains and yeast, fermented and then distilled and aged.
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
We live in a time where "He is hot" is more important than "He is a nice guy."