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What I lack in height, I make up for in kitchen counter climbing ability.
FACT: The "sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don`t" is not really a good defense in court
Limbo champion walks into a bar...he`s disqualified.
Not All Of The `Goodbyes` Are Sad (eg. * Goodbye School * Goodbye Work)
I hate when you offer someone a sincere complement on their mustache...and then she won`t talk to you anymore.
Next time I get a bunch of, "likes," on a comment I post on someones status/photo etc.. Im gonna edit my comment and change the whole comment to, "like this status if you would f*ck your father." Just to make anyone else who reads it from then on think ill about the people who liked it. ™
If karma doesn`t hit you, I gladly will.
The only thing worse than a cold toilet seat is a warm one.
Traffic would be awesome if we all drove hamster balls.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
My house is not a mess. It`s just that everything is on display for your viewing pleasure. Like a museum.
If you surround your house in police tape, the odds of you being robbed drops dramatically.
Lisa has 750 friends on Facebook. A week later she adds 150 more to her friends list. What does she have? Answer-Big Boobs
Laughter is the best medicine, but if you are laughing for no reason, you might need medicine.
Buying your wife a gun is like saying. "You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise."