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Everyone has fitness goals and I’m over here like, if I burn this many calories I can eat a whole pizza.
Guns don`t kill people. Girls who get tagged in a photo before they get a chance to see it kill people.
I have a coffee table in my house. It`s decaffeinated but you would never know it by looking at it.
The lyrics for "hush little baby" are basically saying "I will buy you anything if you just shut the hell up"
Royal baby was born at 8 pounds. Thats like 12 dollars.
I think I’m allergic to mornings.
And yet another year goes by with People magazine failing to recognize my beauty.
Learn to spell. Auto Correct isn’t always write.
If you are willing to date an ex, it means that you`re backwards compatible.
If you work Security in a Samsung store does that make you a Guardian of the Galaxy?
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny sh!t.
I guess I prefer Subway because they make me feel like I`m making the healthy decision when I order a loaf of bread with 18 meatballs on it.
I`m a little ticked off, I checked a book about surgery out of the library and when I opened it up I found that someone had taken the appendix out
Happy birthday you motor boatin SOB! Have a great day
Black holes must be where God divided by zero.