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Between Criminal Minds, CSI, Law and Order, Castle, and Monk...I am now fairly confident I can get away with pretty much anything.
I’ve found if you tuck one part of a pants leg into your sock, people expect less of you.
How could a man who is covered in tattoos be afraid of commitment?
You think you are too small to make a difference? then you have never spent a single night with a mosquito.
For Display Only` signs on the toilets at Home Depot. Sorry guys my bad. ;)
Learn cursive, they said. You`ll need it your whole life, they said.
If anybody tells you you’re putting too much Parmesan on your pasta, stop talking to them. You don’t need that negativity in your life.
I`m not saying that I`ve been online too long, I`m just saying that when I close my eyes I scroll through my thoughts
If I could time travel, I`d make sure the guy who made up the word Walkie-Talkie got to name more things.
My sleep number is 100 proof.
Don`t kiss behind the garden . Love is blind but the neighbors are not :P
My dinner stomach is full, but my dessert stomach still has room.
"Don`t cry because its over, smile because his new girlfriend looks like a horse."
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Anyone who calls it a "day off with the kids"... Either has no kids or doesn`t know what "day off" means.