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It must be really hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest because I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Don`t hate me because I think I`m beautiful.
Thank you Super Bowl for reminding all Americans how bad we really are at understanding Roman numerals
Ever get the feeling someone is watching you when you sleep? Yeah, sorry about that.
When people say "You look so familiar" responding with "Were we in prison together?" is almost always a conversation killer.
I will be back in 5 minutes, if I am not then please read this again! :D
Any fool can use a computer ... Many do
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
My house has really let itself go.
Some people are just pure evil...I should know because I`m one of them.
Babies are really cute until you meet one that`s not a picture.
The amount of time my smartphone spends plugged in charging, you might as well want to call it a Land-line
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I have a "honk if you think I`m sexy" bumper sticker on my truck so that way on the way to work, if I`m not feeling to excited to be there, I sit at a green light until I feel better.