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The awkward moment when you have 10 tabs open and cannot figure out which one the music is coming from.
Woke up this morning and the alarm clock was laughing at me....then I realized it was upside down and the time was 7:07
If I don`t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
If you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a video camera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
I need an emoticon that’s stabbing another emoticon in the eye with a pen while repeatedly punching it in its little emoticon balls.
If you can’t be a good example, then you’l just have to serve as a horrible warning
If I had three wishes, I`d use one for boobs. Because I`m pretty sure I could get everything else that I wanted if I had boobs.
I need to borrow someones kid for Halloween. I miss free candy.
I keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on my bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette
Do angry people know about naps?
I just spent a lot of time trying to form a thought when it would`ve been easier to just say, "F*ck it."
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
What do I look for in a girl? Well she has to be hot. And well-rounded. And cheesy. Extra guac. Wait, wrong list, this is my Chipotle order.
Volleyball is just a more intense game of "Don`t let the balloon touch the floor"
Why does the sound of the recliner opening always remind my wife the trash needs to be taken out?