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that awkard moment when someone`s laugh is actually funnier than the joke
Exercise... the poor person`s plastic surgery
Dear Santa, I would like a thin body and a fat bank account. Don’t mix it up this year!
I don`t think I get enough credit for the fact that I do all of this unmedicated.
You should probably take everything I say with a grain of salt. And lime. And shot of tequila.
Your selfie would be way better if you weren`t in it.
I`m not saying your house is haunted, but I think a ghost just ate all of your Gummy Bears while you were in the bathroom.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck. But through hard work and perseverance, I now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
My wife is a perfectionist but she made an exception in my case.
I want rich people problems. Like where to land my private jet.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
If one teacher cannot teach every subject, then how come one student is expected to learn all the subjects.
Was hating my job until I drove past a grown man dressed as a Taco on the side of the road. Thanks again Perspective.
Hibernation should be a human thing too.
I`ll be busy tonight taking my girlfriend out to dinner and then having sex all night. Is what I`d be saying if I had money ... or a girlfriend