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I purchased my own Taser off the internet the other day. In a totally unconnected incident, I´ve got to buy a cat to replace the neighbors one this afternoon.
Don`t you just hate it when people say stuff in thier status that you really didn`t want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poop. Talk to ya later.
Snakes are terrifying because they can`t trip and fall over sh!t. No creature should possess such power.
Sometimes when I`m bored I crawl into a corner of my room and pretend I`m a person.
I`ve been waiting all winter to start complaining about the summer heat.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
You know you have anger-management issues when you use an entire can of fly spray at point blank range to kill the tinest of moths...
If anybody steals my identity, at least I’ll know who to look for.
It’s always a special moment when you finally get to hear those three words you’ve been waiting for……. “Your order’s ready.”
I forget, how much tequila goes in mashed potatoes? Now that`s funny, I don`t care who you are. Oh, don`t copy that part. I mean this part. Oh hell!! Your going to copy and paste the whole thing anyway ;)
I`ll bet whoever said "keep your friends close and your enemies closer" had just farted
pens and pencils are drumsticks and desks and textbooks are drum kits. its a fact.
I always learn from the mistake of others who take my advice.
When sitting directly across from someone also using a laptop, I can`t stop myself from telling them, "you sunk my battleship!"
I think a clear conscience is really just memory loss.