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Don’t underestimate my ability to do absolutely nothing.
I swear I just go to the strip club for the music.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
Taking a nap is so risky. Like, when will I wake up? 30 minutes from now? 2 hours? 12 years? No one can be sure.
I didn`t text you. Vodka texted you.
Accidentally missed the freeway exit for home, now I’m heading north to start a new life.
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
In an effort to explain marriage to my son I put Dora the Explorer on in Spanish and told him to figure it out or he sleeps on the couch.
Half-Drunk is a waste of money.
Someone just called me normal, I`ve never been so insulted in all my life!
You`ve already put up your Christmas tree? That`s nothing. I`m already drunk for St. Patrick`s Day.
My favorite thing to say to old people is, "When I was your age I didn`t believe in reincarnation either".
When someone is murdered, they always investigate the spouse 1st. And that pretty much tells you everything you need to know about marriage.
My sex life is like a Ferrari ... I don`t have a Ferrari
My dog takes so long to sh!t I can`t believe he`s not out there playing Candy Crush.