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Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
I sure buy a lot of alcohol. Hope I`m not a shopaholic.
I slept with my best friend’s wife last night and now I feel terrible. …. ….. She must have given me a cold or something.
Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..
LADIES: Not all men get into a relationship just for sex. Some just need a personal chef.
I’ve been searching for my stolen bed. And I won’t rest until I find it.
Of course I can keep a secret. It’s the people I tell it to who can’t.
I wish Facebook would notify me when people deleted me, that way I could like it
I need to start setting an alarm to go to bed.
They don`t even serve apples at Applebee`s. Or bees.
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
And then God said, "Seems unfair to have given man an extra limb so to balance it out I`ll give women the power over which to control it."
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Its weird how your entire day flashes before your eyes the moment you realize that your zipper has been down and you haven`t pissed in 8 hrs
HR says I`m not allowed to scream "OH GOD IT BURNS MAKE IT STOP" when I walk through the front door at work anymore :(