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Inside me is a skinny person screaming to get out. But he shuts up when I eat cake.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
The problem with working from home is the absence of sexual harassment.
When I die I want my body donated to science, but more specifically a scientist who is working on bringing dead guys back to life…
If you don’t feel just a little bit of shame after the weekend… you’re not doing it right.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
Nothing stops a yawn faster than a dog trying to lick inside your mouth.
I think you people lied to me...exactly how much of this hair of the dog do I have to eat before this hangover goes away?
Dear piece of paper that wont go in the dust pan ... f*ck you!
Spoiler alert: Your `97 Nissan Sentra doesn`t need one.
There should be a law requiring you to explain what gluten is before you’re allowed to complain about it.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
is experiencing life at a rate of several wtf´s a minute