Your home to over 150,000 silly Facebook statuses! Find the perfect witty, silly, or downright funny status to share with your friends and family. Check in daily for fresh updates!
Coffee – because most people frown on alcohol first thing in the morning.
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
While everyone may not speak the same language, we all know what time McDonald`s stops serving breakfast.
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Never, ever ask a woman if she`s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
Going to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me with that needle, I run off yelling `thanks for the free shave loser!`
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame, go back to party, & place it on the mantel at the party.
When people tell me that I’ve changed, I want to shake them and tell them: “And so should you!”
DIET TIP: don’t eat chips right out of the bag. Get out just enough to eat until the pizza guy gets there.
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
St Patricks Day, when you can eat lucky charms dowsed in beer and everyone thinks..great idea!
I found that 99% of the time, when I`m not listening, just saying "that`s some bullshi*t" makes them happy.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.