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I’d be more motivated to work out if the stationary bikes had a little basket to hold my snacks and beer.
Sometimes you have to burn a few bridges, to stop the weirdos from following you.
If you`re out running in jeans, I`m gonna go ahead and assume you just participated in a felony.
To all them girls who go out , looking sexy as hell but have boyfriends.......Please continue to do so when you`re married.
When anyone ask me to babysit, I ask if their kid is a "mean drunk" or a "happy drunk." Gets me out of it every time.
I drink because people talk.
Hate when my GF asks me to hold her purse at the grocery store line cause I really don`t like being that guy holding two purses.
On the Internet you can be anything you want ... It`s strange that so many people choose to be stupid.
Alarm clocks should come with sounds like “tiny doll feet scampering into the closet” because I am not hitting snooze when I hear that
Home is where a man hangs his hat. Unless that man is wearing a sun visor. Then he probably dosent have a home or friends..
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
I`ve totally cut carbs out of my diet. Until lunch.
Somebody needs to teach opportunity how to use a doorbell.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.
On the plus side of 2017, the use of the words `awesomesauce` and `amazeballs` were at an all time low.