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Nothing says "My life isn`t going exactly as I planned" quite like being at Wal Mart at 1am.
My therapist told me today that I need to stop talking to inanimate objects, but I mean he`s just a lamp so what does he really know anyway
The biggest problem with two-faced people is, never knowing which face to slap first.
I don`t care how much you liked the soap - NEVER be caught smelling your fingers while walking out of a public restroom.
What are nuts on a wall? Walnuts. What are nuts on the chest? Chestnuts. What are nuts against a chin? Blow job.
If u think I talk to much, just let me know. We can talk about it!
When a man says he`ll do anything for a woman, he means slaying dragons, killing zombies and rescuing her from castle towers. IT DOES NOT MEAN cleaning garage, fixing roof and cleaning out the basement!
Don’t jump to confusions.
The only thing I love more than an open mind is an open bar.
Fun Game: Walk down a hallway with both arms outstretched to the walls while shouting, "Hug me or turn around!!!"
You say toilet, I say alcohol vomit receptacle.
I`m tired of hearing about Republicans this and Democrats that. For Christ`s sake people, don`t you realize on July 15th the Twinkie comes back?!?!?!?!
If you boil a clown, do you get laughing stock?
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
If you kept one of those jars where I`d have to put in a quarter every time I swore, you would be a billionaire by the end of the week.