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My mother always told me to never quit something I`m good at. So here is to her for making me realize that i`m good at being drunk!
Turbo tax might just be the worst video game I ever played.
There are only two types of honest people in this world, small children and drunk people.
I`m gaining weight for my role as "Before picture"
Some idiots actually sold their homes and properties thinking the world was really going to end! What losers. I hope my boss gives me my job back on Monday
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Show me a bunch of people with type A personalities, and I`ll show you a control group.
How do they fit all that money inside such a tiny credit card??
Sleep is my drug, the bed my dealer, the alarm clock the police.
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
I know how to wink my eye in like twelve different languages.
Currently helping my son search for his chocolate that I ate last night.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.