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I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
I helped my girlfriend with the dinner last night. I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
The "best part of waking up" doesn`t even make sense.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, `You`re only interested in one thing,` and you can`t remember what it is.
The problem with plants is that you have to water them… like more than once apparently.
I have a million dollar idea that I will share with the first million people to send me a dollar.
Tattoos are an expensive and a painful way to guarantee that the police can make a positive identification
Best grilled cheese ever!! All I did was add a hamburger patty.
Fact: Pornos aren`t based on actual events.
New Life Goal: Get a job where people ask me, "You actually get paid for doing this?"
What an intoxicated Schwarzenegger might say to a police officer: "I`m an IDIOT you COP!"
The club sandwich, for when a knuckle sandwich just isn`t enough...
Apparently “finders keepers” does not include expensive cars in parking lots.
So I danced like no one was watching. My court date is pending.