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If my calculations are correct then someone else did them for me.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
If you need some help at Home Depot and are being ignored, get on one of their step ladders
I don`t know, guys. The whole "play dead when a bear attacks" thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with...
If there`s one thing I`ve learned hiking, it`s the early bird gets the face full of spider webs
If you want to get me to do something, bribery does work.
You know what the cheapest meat is? Deer balls ... They`re under a buck
*uses Ouija board* NEW PHONE WHO DIS
Half of me is a hopeless romantic. And the other half of me is, well, an asshole.
If there’s one thing that I’ve learned it’s, that I should have learned way more than one thing.
A smile is the same in every language, I`m pretty sure the pee pee dance is too
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
Now reached the age where getting lucky is what happens when I can remember where I set my glasses down at
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar* *Snickers*
I`m off and running like a wounded herd of turtles on valium