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Have you heard about the new movie called constipation? It hasn`t come out yet.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be "YOUR" blood.
My brother took going to jail really badly. He refused food, drinks. He spat and swore at anyone who came near him and started throwing things everywhere. After that we NEVER played monopoly again.
Father: Earlier you used to call me papa but now dad, why? Daughter: Come on dad, calling you PAPA spoiles my lipstick.
I`d watch NASCAR if Hot Wheels designed the tracks.
Even if girls came with instructions, men would never read them.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
I`m already an idiot, I just need a village.
Man, just think how crazy Gollum goes on the 5th day of Christmas.
Dance like no one´s going to put it on YouTube.
Congratulation! You`ve won a lifetime supply of air! Not valid under water, in space, when dead, or while choking.
My Wife asked, "Would you like a romantic interlude?" I said, "Does a bear crap in the woods?". Wish I`d just said `Yes`, she`s been on Google ever since.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.