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I need me a pretty girl with an ugly girl personality
I just bought Velcro shoes.... What a rip off!
Why does `beans` only mean secret when it`s "Don`t spill the beans?" Why can`t I say I have a dirty little beans to tell you?
Hey ladies, you know that feeling you get when you roll over & realize you made a horrible mistake? I could give that to you every day.
Farting isn`t ladylike? Well, neither is giving a blowjob, but I have never heard you complaining about that!
Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you`ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
Every time I go into my boss` office she tells me "take a seat". I have 14 now.
Accept the craziness. Life will be a bore without it.
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
No one has ever been in an empty room.
I hate it when I have guests at my house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No, we poop in the yard.
"You`re so cute!" works as a response to anything my girl says 99% of the time when I`m not listening which is 99% of the time.
Pretending I`m a pleasent person all day is exhausting
I wish there was a reality show where people learned grammar.