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The world would be a much nicer place if everyone took a chill pill. It would be even better if some of them choked on it.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
People that say “money doesn’t buy happiness” obviously have never been divorced.
I guarantee there`s a pregnant teenager somewhere who thinks `Ebola` would be a lovely name for their child.
The closest I`ve come to being an athlete is using Adobe Acrobat.
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
One of my female friend is reading a book called "Learn to drive in a week" for the last 3 years.
"Paypal me your lunch money!" -Cyber Bullies
To the lady at Costco with her son on a leash. I`m sorry that I asked if he was a rescue.
I wish conversations were like user agreements, where I could skip to the end and just agree.
Statistically: 1 in 7 dwarfs are grumpy
Don’t get me started. I don’t come with brakes.
If you ever think someone’s too cute to talk to just remember that they poop too.
Never date someone that works for your cell phone provider. Just sayin
That sound you hear when you already closed the cupboard & hear something fall -yeah, that’s the sound of someone else’s problem.