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Spoiler alert: this milk expired five days ago
Your kid is running around the store screaming at the top of his lungs annoying everyone and I`m the a$$hole for tripping him?
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don`t quote me!
What`s it called when it`s 9:20am and you can`t wait for dinner? Oh, it`s called fat. Nevermind.
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
If I had any self control I`d probably eat that too.
I pretend to like people everyday. It`s called being an adult. That`s why we`re allowed to buy booze.
Some people should be ticketed for wearing spandex
I had cheese, but no crackers ... I was cracka-lackin
Called AA by mistake. Those drunks can`t change a tire for sh*t.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
Dreams are like pictures. I don`t care about yours unless I`m in them.
love me or leave me,,HEY!!! where is everybody going?
Dating Tip: Find a partner with a compatible phone charger.
I imagine some people are like...: `should I take the shower?...no...I`m taking the train today...`