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I can`t wait to get one of those self-driving cars to watch my wife argue with it.
I`m like a kid in a candy store. I can`t afford anything.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair.
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
When your girlfriend says do what ever you want. Do not do what ever you want!
FB friends, no one gives a ratsass what concerts you went to...
Sure you can try and tell me what to do. Or you can keep your teeth.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
Married people always ask when you’re getting married like they get points for recruiting to their club of misery.
Soccer is just like my sex life. Long periods of time with no action followed by pure shock & surprise by all parties involved when I score.
There was a HUGE spider in the shower.. So I ran into the living room screaming naked.. Now my daughters` friends probably won`t be allowed over anymore..
The bears had it right choosing to hibernate all winter.
Finally got my sh!t together... Now if I can just remember where I put it
Nothing says IDGAF like an old lady at a slot machine wearing oxygen and smoking a cigarette.