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SCARY BUT TRUE: statistics show that everyone who’s ever used a cell phone will die
I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine`s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.
It appears that autocorrect has become my worst enema.
Love is grand. Divorce is 100 grand.
I don’t know if I have a stalker, but if I do, could you drop off some milk. Thanks.
NERD WEDDING: Instead of saying “I do.” They say “I accept the terms & conditions.”
I am busier than a one legged man in an arse kicking contest.
Someday you may lose your hair, you may lose your teeth, your money and even lose your mind. But one thing you will never lose – your good looks, coz you can never lose what you don’t have!
What`s worse to have stuck in your head; a knife or All About That Bass?
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
The internet has made me so ADD. Started off googling "how to replace a timing belt" ended up watching a video on how to milk a camel.
Teacher:If I had 2 oranges in my left hand and 2 mangoes in my right hand, what would I have?? Student:Big hands!!
When finding someone to date, drinking compatibility is more important than you think.