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You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.
What happens on online stays online, forever and ever.
Note to self... next time my wife asks what`s on tv, don`t say dust
Never send in a beer to do the work of a tequila shot.
If you have alphabet fridge magnets and morals, you probably shouldn`t invite me over.
Watching MTV Cribs makes me feel better about downloading music off the internet.
Find someone you`re good at.
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
I like to go to a strangers house tell them you used to live there and that your grandfather hid money somewhere in the house and just leave.
My house has really let itself go.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I`d go on a road trip with my mom.
No matter how fast you run, the serial killer always walks faster.
How can you tell if someone went to the gym? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
People always say, "You can`t have your cake and eat it too." I say, "Of course you can. Just make two cakes!"