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Ain’t no sandwich when she’s gone.
I don`t care how the future pans out, any amazon delivery from now on is referred to as a drone strike.
Doctor says I`m morbidly a beast. Thanks doc.
That son of a b*tch moment when you`re walking around the house with socks on and step on a random wet spot.
Hardest question in a relationship, "What do you feel like eating?"
We`re sorry to announce that due to budget cuts the beloved carol "Silver Bells" will be replaced with the more cost effective carol "Aluminium Bells".
Sometimes giving someone a second chance is like giving them an extra bullet for their gun because they missed the first time.
If you have really strong opinions on subjects that you know very little about... then Facebook just may be the perfect thing for you.
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is "BURN HIM, HE`S A WITCH"
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
10% of people genuinely care about your problems. The other 90% are glad that you’ve got them.
It`s a small world, but I wouldn`t want to paint it.
If you can´t convince them, confuse them.
I don`t even know why chicks spend so much time and money on their hair when all guys look at is their tits.
TIP OF THE DAY: If you can`t afford porn, just turn on tennis and shut your eyes.