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Pizza is my favorite winter activity
I hope this guy at the urinal next to me can see that I`m checking Facebook and not taking pictures.
In alcohol`s defense, I`ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
Never wake a sleeping woman. Because then she´ll be awake.
Tennis is like marrying for money. Love means nothing.
Why isn’t our beer color coordinated for all holiday occasions, instead of just St. Patricks Day?
I gave my cat 7up, now it has 16 lives
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
In America, someone is shot every 15 seconds ... How is that person still alive?
Just tried to kill a snake in the backyard. And by kill I mean screaming as loudly as a human can in an attempt to make its head explode.
Highways need 4 lanes per side - A NASCAR wannabe lane, a normal driver lane, an old people who drive 40 in a 70 lane & a "where in the hell am I?" lane.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?
I can`t take this long distance relationship anymore.. Fridge, you`re coming to my room.
Just seen a homeless dude with a sign that said "too ugly to prostitute."
Someone smells like cigarettes and bad decisions.......Oh it`s me? Sorry about that.