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There’s a limit of how close you should be to another man when taking a selfie.
The beauty of vodka is that it looks like water. The beauty of the workplace is that water bottles are allowed.
The only time I use the word “selfie” is when I am describing my sex life.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning.
I wish more people would give me the silent treatment.
Sometimes I go on Google Earth and just spin the sh!t out of the world & pretend I`m making everyone really dizzy.
I have to hand it to people who lead a double life ... I can barely handle the one I have.
Learned today that it`s about 12 min after realizing there`s no TP in the stall that you ask yourself how important your socks really are.
We need to DETACH from all this technology and live life in the moment. Sent from my iPhone
Grant me the courage to change the things I can, the serenity to accept the things I cannot, and a big-a$$ed pitcher of margaritas as “Plan B”
Even though I`m only 29, I know I`m going to die a bitter, lonely, miserable old man ... I`m married.
Be the best you can be, while being the worst that you`re able to get away with.
I hate it when I open my fridge and get punched by a bear... =/
I like when job applications have a “Some College” option so they know I’m an aimless loser.
I dont have awkward moments I have "special" moments.e.g That "special" moment when my "special" ex learns that karma exist..